Apology

[Peewee420]

Hey Everybody

I'm back lol......Had a little bit of a relapse,and had to take the last few weeks to get my shit back in order. But I have successfully kicked(again), and damnit,I figured I should get on here and apologize to everyone a little bit.... My brother has kinda kept me in the loop with whats goin on,but honestly this is the first time I have even turned on the computer in weeks.(Been doin a lotta nothin except for layin around,shakin,puin,and generally wantin to kill myself)

Hope everybody else is doin alright!!!!!! Either way,I'm back up on my feet again,and lookin forward to see whats new with everyone!!!!!

 

[Skynyrd77]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGr_PPko15s:evil4:

 

[laatsch55]

OK PeeWee here it comes......from a junkie who had a needle in his arm for 35 years.....WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! You are not doing this to just youself!!!
If you have decided to killyoursels slowly but surely ..fine that's the way it goes sometimes...BUT...your killing a little bit of everyone that loves and cares about you too!!That's the part that keeps people from giving up entirely, it's easy to just push the plunger and be done with it, but do you realize the CARNAGE you would leave behind?? Your loved ones wondering for the rest of their lives if there weas more they could do, or if that last batch of tough love too much or that last ultimatum just too much to bear......Nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles wondereing what you would be like had you lived long enough to be 30 years old.....look, you are not 10 foot tall and bullet proof, with the shit that is around nowadays you could have bunk one time then the next when you're trying to catch the buzz you missed before it's the really good stuff and yourGONE and they find you with the needle still in your arm....c'mon man, do you want your parents or your brother to find you like THAT!!HUH?? C'mon PeeWee....it takes a year at least for your brain chemistry to even be close to straightened out, ya gotta give it that long.....you've been buying endorphins and in this case too many at one time WILL KILL YOU!! Damn it man!! I've lost friends to drugs and a son to suicide and it's the same, both a tragedy and ever so preventable...yoi have the power to overcome this....YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS OVER YOUR ADDICTION!!! Every minute of every day you don't use you are showing power over your addiction!! NA has it wrong, you and only you can do it, you do have the power, you've done it before and for whatever reason it didn't stick, you relapsed, well welcome to the real world...odds are you'll relapse again, I wouldn't bet on you not.....that';s a fool's bet...but with that being said, every relapse twists the knife in the folks around you a little more , and every time your credibility takes another hit ..../I KNOW!! I lived it for sooooo long.. You will not last 35 years doing this shit.... you may not last the next fix man, that could be the one that someone forgot to cut or the man decided to see if you could handle it or you took to long to pay him last time.....DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR LIFE IN THE HANDS OF THOSE PEOPLE!!!????DO YA???
docdan60 will say what I've just done is very dangerous, not knowing you, not even being able to see your face as I type this can have the opposite desired effect, but nothing else seems to be working.....BUT I KNOW THE PROCESS.... YOU DO have people around that will help, but Peewee ya gotta give them something to go on, ya have to show them you're serious, y have to want to stay straight, whatever demons your fighting, they have no power but WHAT YOU GIVE THEM!! TAKE IT BACK-----NOW!!

 

[laatsch55]

I would not have put this in an open post, but you didn't apologize and not expect some comments...

 

[Rex Everything]

Listen to the wisdom Lee imparts mang! Obviously he's been down the road.


I'm still very sad to this day and vividly remember years ago that night telling my dear friend Mike, "Hey Mike, slow down brother. If it's coming from me then you know you gotta be out there. Please slow down" the next morning I got a call from a friend saying his girlfriend found him dead on the toilet with a needle in his arm the next morning.

(Tweeter Center lot, Chicago Il. Phish 1997 summer tour)

We used to have so much fun going to shows together and I still miss him to this day.


Please kick and hang around for your family and friends if nothing else.....

 

[Northwinds]

Yep, I am sure Jason let you know I was wondering how you were doing. I suspected something like this and I really hope you intend to get through this the right way

I too have lost freinds to the needle and the spoon. It's hurts even 30 years later. What could have I done? Did I not try hard enough? I still ask myself these things whenever Mark, Mike and danny pop into my mind. The friendship and good times we shared are all there vividly still and then I remember that they are gone, lives unfulfilled

The buzz lasts a little while Brother but you still have to wake up and face another day

We are all here for you man, how about be there for us and your family. It's time to stop before we read a thread about you being found dead. I can't handle losing another friend and Brother and it would break me up to see Jason having to face something like this. It's not fair man, kick it NOW

The Needle and the Spoon = Death

Friends and Family = Life

 

[Peewee420]

Thanks for the comments and support,everyone...... I definitely don't feel that great about myself,and I'm hoping myself that I can keep my head out of my ass this time. I feel good,but this isn't the first time this has happened.

And thanks Lee. I already know in my mind everything that you told me. People I love are most certainly the only reason that I'm still around, and that I keep trying. I wish I knew why I do the dumb shit that I always end up doing,but I don't,so all that I can do now is to keep my head up and to remember all those little(and big) reasons that I need to be around for......

Life is Beautiful

 

[laatsch55]

We know it's not the first time it's happened...we HOPE it's the last..... you know EXACTLY why you do it, hell BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD!! If it treated you like shit you'd never do it again....BUT...the game you're playing has DEADLY consequences.....It's not the same quality every time and there is sooo much of your destiny you are leaving in too many hands not YOUR OWN, where it SHOULD be...it's natural to feel shame at this point because you are a live , breathing human being that has promised sooo much before and THAT itself can put you back in a tailspin...get off the pity pot quick, man up and take back control of your life, it's worth living after that...Bud...get well, healthy and tough throuigh those parts that tell you it would be sooo easy to score and feel better....just for a little bit.....THAT"S the monkey you need to kick to the curb.

 

[laatsch55]

PS, BTW, it's a VERY good sign you came on and posted, takes balls kid...

 

[laatsch55]

Especially knowing what was coming..ballsy...

 

[FranklinSnow]

Here is a secret... Reality is better. Remember when you first got high and how great it felt. Reality is the new high. The highs will be higher and the lows manageable. You will hurt deeper but be much more able to take it in perspective.

Uncle Bob will still be the same jerk but he will upset you much less and you may find the courage to tell him to stop. The guy who cut you off in traffic is still just a fool.

I'm new here but would like to see you work this out. I have been raising my 10 year old daughter (much older Dad) and would have not experienced the utter joy (and occasional dread) if I was still using.

Hang in there, my friend!

Franklin

 

[Peewee420]

Honestly,Lee, It's not so much balls that made me post on here and start a thread explaining what had happened. It's the fact that,yet again,I had fucked up, and I owed everyone an apology. You have all been so great to me that personally I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give you an explanation of why I just disappeared. Every time that it happens I feel a little bit smaller. I feel a little less proud,and a little less of a man that I'm too damn stupid to stay away from some ignorant shit that I know better and have known better for the last 10 years.

Just like everything else,it was all fun and games at first,until that day about 7 or 8 years ago when I awoke,and the reality of the situation had hit me, It was no longer fun,and I needed $50 everyday just to get out of bed. Addiction.

Since that day I have never wanted to do the garbage,yet I wanted to be able to function like a regular person,and yes,getting high was just the easier way to do that instead of manning up and doing what was right. Just within the past couple of years I had become aware of the pain and suffering which I was causing to everyone else.

In the beginning my excuse was always that I was just fucking myself up. It was MY life,and if I wanted to fuck MY LIFE up who's business was it but my own? And then my niece was born. And then my nephew,and then my other nephew. It didn't take me long to realize that my actions had repercussions that reached much farther than just MY LIFE.........

And At risk of sounding like a bitch,the responses that I got on here made me shed a tear. Not because I'm scared,or because you're mad at me.....Because I know the reason that any and all of you bitched,commented,or said anything is because you CARE.

As I had said before this isn't the first time,but I damn sure hope it's the last. I have never had so much support going through what I am ever in my life.I am truly grateful and blessed that you all have taken me in and genuinely give a fuck about what happens with me.

This journey to get clean I had started on my own with very little support somewhere around 5 years ago. My brother is the only person who had stuck by my side this entire time. But now,through all of your comments,supports,and bitches I see that I'm not walking on this path alone. I see how much you all love and truly care about what happens with me.

That is why I posted this thread. Because I had let you all down. I hope that I can be man that I need to be,and the man that you all deserve me to be. I just want you all to know that I have been deeply touched by your words and support. Thank You All.

 

[NavLinear]

Damn Peewee - it's good to see you here and letting us know where you're at. I'm sorry to hear you relapsed but that is not uncommon. Like Lee said with street drugs you never know what you're getting and with main lining it could be the last time. I've seen addiction and I know it is tough but I can't imagine what you're going through as heroin is one of the most difficult ones to kick. We're here for you - do you need a nurse?

 

[Peewee420]

Lol.....Thank You!!!! I really did need that smile. Writing that post was kinda gut-wrenching,ya know.... And nothing can make ya smile like a good nurse!!!! And some nice tits lol

I Appreciate. That was just what the Dr. ordered

 

[Rat44]

Half the battle is knowing you have a problem and admitting it .
Best of luck to you.

Dennis

 

[laatsch55]

PeeWee, we do love ya man. Anybody fighting that shit is worth loving...just the fact you are fighting is encouraging....please don't fall in that trap of hiding if you fuck up. I know it's natural, but you have expanded your family now and most of us look forward to your posting and your opinions just like we do everyone else. The beauty of this forum is that everyone is encouraged to be themselves not narrowed down to an accepted form of behavior (except thread crapping,THAT is a must, well kinda, sorta..)... So everyone contributes something unique, and you have graced us with your presence, BUT we'll also call bullshit on your bullshit which everyone here does for everyone here....

The reason I stressed so strongly that it neeeds to be the last time was the purity factor. Somebody gets a bug in their ear about ya, murder is so easy in this arena, and completely doable with little or no consequences....don't be one of those guys we read about, caause that will more than upset just a couple folks you know.....
Growing up and being responsilble also means learning that the world does not owe you anything and that your life is more than just yours, it also belongs to those you love and who love you....

 

[laatsch55]

Besides that, that's the hottest nurse Nav has posted.....see what ya did..?

 

[laatsch55]

Cryin don't make you a bitch, it shows you're human..and a good one...

 

[Peewee420]

Thanks,Lee. I truly do appreciate all that you are. You're a good man,and I am honored to know you and call you a friend. I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about myself,and a lot about everyone on this forum.

I appreciate the support that everyone has given me,and the fact that you all do care about me. If anything good came of the last couple of months, that's what it is. I have been shown that I do have more people care about me than I ever realized,and I respect your ability to just throw your wisdom out there and not pull any punches.

I managed to pull myself back from it,and proved to myself that I am stronger than I ever had given myself credit for.....and that every step I take,I am no longer taking alone. That,in itself, is a great feeling to have.

I feel well,and I think that this time it is truly over. Obviously only time will tell,but it has been different this time.The support,the advice, and the friends. This is the first time that I truly kicked without methadone,or without turning to any other substances to just mask what was going on....

I'm still reeling a little bit,but everyday I am feeling better,and I can see no reason to return to the private hell in which I have lived the better part of my life. And knowing the support that was out there for me,well,it has honestly been flattering. To find out that I'm not walking alone has given me great strength in itself.

I don't know what more to do than to thank everyone for their concern and help. And to keep my head outta my ass....It's time to give life a run for its money on my own terms. Not the terms of my monkey......I had been so bad for so long that the thought of trying to do anything on my own without my dope crutch to lean on had truly scared me.

But something changed this time. I'm not scared anymore. And it's time to start living again. I put my life on a shelf 15 or 16 years ago. It is time now to prove to myself who I REALLY am. And I will. But talk comes cheap. I have always been good at telling people what they want to hear.

I feel that I no longer need to talk or make excuses,but to prove myself. For me and for everyone else. Thank you all for all that you have done for me. It has very clearly shown me that it's time to quit hiding, and to fuckin prove myself.

 

[laatsch55]

Took me 35 years, glad it only took 15 for you....