I am still in FB jail for another week but am now on MeWe. I had to vent a bit with all that was going on and put a post up of what I was dealing with the last couple of days before my wife passed..... here is a copy/paste of that post
I am going to share something very personal here, it's a long story but is my life. 15 Years ago my wife and I bought a home in the woods in Maine, to get away from the crowds. We have a daughter and 2 grandchildren, they live in TX, our son inlaw is in the army. We have loved it here but since we never go out, we don't drink nor do we do church meaning we never have a social life. We keep to our selves and have just enjoyed a quiet life with each other.
A bit over 2 years ago my wife got very ill, ended up in the hospital, they said she has advanced crohns disease and there was not much they could do, they pumped her up on fluids with IV's, got her to be able to intake food again, and sent her home, I nursed her back to some what better health, she lost a lot of weight and never gained much of her strength back. She was not able to leave the house much and could not drive. But about 8 months later she went down hill again, could not eat lost all energy could not even walk so back to the hospital for a few weeks again. Again the pumped her up with fluids, got her back on solid food, and said there was not much else they could do.
I took her home and nursed her back to where she could walk around, even go out and sit in the sun, and enjoy each other. 6 months ago again she went down hill, could not eat, no strength, could not even walk, so a 3rd time back to the hospital, this time she did not have much left to fight with but again they pumped her with fluids, and told me there was no more they could do, if she went down again I should maybe consider putting her in a nursing home to die, and sent her home, and again I nursed her, got her back on her feet and eating, not enough to gain any weight back. But enough we still had each other.
Well toward the end of last OCT. she started to go down hill again, Our 25th anniversary was coming up Nov 8th and I had planed a nice veil cutlet parmesan dinner with stuffed shells. By the time the 8th came around she was having a hard time eating and keep anything down but she sat with me and she took a few bites, smiles at me and told me she loves me. That was the last meal she ate. after that she could only do soup broth and as the month wore on less and less of it.
As of DEC 1st she stopped with the broth, it was upsetting her stomach, and her strength was totally gone, she can no longer get on her feet even to get to the bathroom. I have been getting water into her by holding a cup with a straw, but she was taking less and less fluid every day. Last Friday I felt it was time for me to try to get some help. I thought maybe Hospice could help me make her more comfortable and advise me on what I could do to try to make things better for her. They say they would have to have a referral from her DR..... well come to find out her DR. is on vacation till Monday (today), no backup Dr. for emergency, and they say they can not contact him even for an emergency, hospice says no DR. referral no help.
Now if things were not bad enough, bad luck was not done with me yet. Sat. afternoon a big north eastern storm hit us, heavy snow, strong winds, at 7 pm power went out. So to keep my wife warm I had to get the wood stove going but had nothing prepared yet as winter is just starting and most all my tie has been into taking care of my wife. Usually when these storms come up we both get set up to ride them out but not this time... I got the wood stove going and a couple oil lamps running, it was just another hindrance I was feeling, it was a very long night. The Storm ended early Sunday morning and power came back on at 10 am, I was feeling a bit better, thinking and hoping Monday I would get some help.
This morning in the wee hours, 3am I asked my wife if she would like some water, she said yes. But I was horrified to see she did not have the strength to even suck water through a straw any longer. Her speech is very slurred now, hard to understand what she is asking. I thought help can't get here fast enough...
This morning the sun came up and I was getting drips of water into her by sticking the straw into the cup and holding my finger over the end then pulling it out and putting it to her mouth and taking my finger off the end of the straw to let the water from it flow into her mouth. It is not a lot but it does help moisten her mouth. So 9am figure it is time to call our daughter. But lady luck is still not done kicking me in the balls.
All we have is a land line, we are in a mountain-es area and they don't work very well around here, beside neither one of us like them and the fact they gather all kinds of info on you. So I pick the phone up... it's dead, the phone line must be down somewhere, it was working fine as of yesterday afternoon but dead this morning. By now I am really starting to freak, everything seems to be going against me. I had 2 very important calls to make, Wifes Dr. and then if he gave referral, hospice.
So I go to neighbor, hi land line is out to but he has a cell phone that acually works from his house. He let me use it to call our daughter so I can tell her what is going on with phone and to give update on her mom and ask if she can contact hospice for me to tell them what is going on with my phone. Had to leave a message, she did not answer her phone.
So I come home waiting to see what happens next. As I sit here next to my wife I reflect back on great memories I have of our 25 years together, the laughter, the ups and down, I wonder how life will be without her I just can't imagine that but mostly I think how deeply I love her and much I will miss her.
God bless you and your dearly departed wife. I went through similar with my wife who passed in October 2019 (thankfully before this craziness started) so I know your heartbreak and feelings of hopelessness very well. Your wife is very lucky that she died in the place where she loved, her home, with a husband that clearly cared deeply for her. That was my wife's wish too, she did not want to die in a hospital or nursing home. I am so sorry for your loss, may your wife rest in peace. Be strong.
Posts like this remind me how lucky we are, for awhile. Then when we lose what we love so much, it sucks. But it does make us realize what we had. There are many people that will never know these deep feelings. I feel more sorry for them.
Some of life is planning, some is hard work, but there is some that is just good luck. When I need to think about how lucky I am, I watch this video, the end is a perfect description of my life, and I assume many of you as well:
Wow I don't know what to say or where to start....
I have to say the support here at this time from the wonderful people on this forum is way beyond what I would ever expect. I feel the love from each and every one of you who has responded and it means more to me than you will ever know. I have never hurt like this before. We bought this house on a 15 year mortgage. We struggled to make the payments and sacrificed a lot, everything I spent on my stereo hobby was from money I pulled in on odd jobs I did out in my shop with my wifes full support,. We were looking forward to the day we made our last payment so we would have a few bucks to go out to eat now and then and do some fixing up on this old house. She never made it, we have 3 more payments the last payment will be this coming Mach.
My wife and I both had tough lives before we met, when we got together our lives changed, together as a team we made the american dream come true, we were partners and best friends. Like mlucitt mentioned music always helped me and my wife through our struggles to make it through. music is magical. Sunday night I played 2 last songs for my wife I will share with you all. Again I got to say thank you all so much I can not do words that would fully express my gratitude and support. Like a real family.... My friends in real life call me Keith